Is old, gold?

If there is anything at all that really scares and upsets me it is old age. And I am equally sensitive towards the said leg of one’s life.  Its not the fear of death. Death looms large everywhere and all the time. No point being scared of death. But what overwhelms me about old age is the fear of losing the ability to hold together everything- loved ones, your own life and everything else around you.

Today Meeshu refused to talk to my mum – one of her moods. Ma didn't take too kindly to it though- she said this was the fourth time Meeshu refused a chat, and obviously I knew she was hurt. I think the word is ‘rejection’ here. Dad and mum are aging gracefully, touch wood, but there are certain things that scare me when I put myself in their shoes. Both their kids live away from them, and they live away from their native and have made Hyderabad their home, regardless of how much dad would like to disagree to that statement. I am sure they feel lonely at times. Their social life is more active than ours, but still. I am certain they miss us and as they grow older, they grow that much more dependent on each other, with none of us around, and that is heart wrenching.

The other thing about old age is seclusion. Given my tendency to go into long periods of meaningless depression, I wonder, what kind of old woman I’d make. A real wound-up, sarcastic one, is my guess. Lets leave that to time, ok?

Old couples always move me. When Thakuma (granny) left Dadu (grand pa), way early, Dadu became a recluse. He stopped playing chess with his grandchildren, and I never again saw him laugh his hearty laugh again. The two were inseparable. I remember when Thakuma went to bathe, Dadu would dutifully take out her petticoat, sari and blouse outside the bathroom. He chose them everyday and washed them too. Thakuma was severely diabetic, and Dadu tried every possible ayurvedic, allopathic, homeopathic remedy in this world to help her. Of course the main issue lied with food. Dadu discreetly  looked the other way when Thakuma gorged on all things forbidden to diabetics. And when Thakuma passed away, my dad, the eldest and most loved of all her sons, grieved the most- more because he felt he couldn’t do his bit for her, staying away from her. And she left too soon. A  similar sentiment runs through my mind too. I don’t believe that a girl once married leaves her home behind. I look at it differently. I think a woman has more than just one home after her marriage, and her ties with her parents, only get that much stronger. And she needs to keep both the homes together. Not that its her sole responsibility, but I think women are so much more deft and competent in handling such matters. I know its a blanket statement and not all will agree.

Sorry, I know my thoughts are very muddled.

I have always wanted to retire by the sea- but that kind of seems way unwise or whimsical. Of course, old age is charming, if you make it to be- but is it that easy? I know of many charming old people. They make their life beautiful by constantly doing something worthwhile and more than that by being lively. And that’s precisely my point- when u grow  old, you have to be relevant, shiny and effervescent, to be loved. And when will sons and daughters learn it is never about money, it is about them- their presence in their parent’s life, at times when they most need them. And mind you these times are not just when they fall sick.

And lastly respect- that can come only with love. And love is seldom bestowed on old age. Its usually sympathy or complete apathy.

Double sigh.

I’d can’t end the post like this. So here’s something that happened this morning: I lost my cool with Meeshu, over her finishing the morning glass of milk. She simply walked up to her room, dug out her magic wand and waved it at me saying- Abla –ca- dabla turn mummy into a cock-loach. And coolly walked away. What unnerved me was the fact that she usually turned me back into mummy, but today in her anger, she’d left me that way - a sick little Cock Loach, and I’ve remained one since morning.

Do cock-loaches grow old? They sure survive nuclear explosions, so its not so bad after all.

XXX