Ramblings of a modern day mother.

As i left her today (as usual, tricked you into leaving the house to go down to play with Tuki, just so that I walk out of the house guilt-free, without having to see you wail for me), I silently wept. Wept, with no tears. I didn't know I'd ever feel this way, for making choices, I so easily made, at a point in my life, when doing things for 'myself' mattered most. And that's what baffles me most. Why does it kill me to look into those marble eyes pleading me not to leave her, alone, again. Was it not me a year back, who decided it is best for her to grow 'independent'. What I was actually telling is - 'leave me, doll, I need to go earn some dough for myself, get out of this mundane life, get a life of my own'. Perhaps, it wasn't the wisest thing to do. Not after bringing her into this world and then asking her to quickly grow up, become independent, learn things on her own, live on her own. She is still a wee soul. And today, i cringed in dismay, to realise that I was thinking of going for a 'massage' to a spa. While she'd wait at the door waiting for the lift to open, just to see me walk out ...and how easily she rushes into my arms in the corridor, hugging me and giving me those wet kisses, like an ecstatic little pup.

But then, the more i think of this the more complex it gets. It ain't as simple as - having a 21st century- woman - attitude, be a modern day superwoman, and do things in a stride. I wish it was simple. For if it was, I'd be coming home guilt-free, leaving you without a trace of sadness in me. Having said that, I cannot give away what I am doing right now. And what i am doing right now is not just about earning money, it is also about a sense of freedom.....

But they say nothing gives you a bigger high than freedom- then why doesn't this so called freedom make me dizzy with its high? Why do i think i ain't doing enough for you? Will you hold it against me... Just the way I did, when ma went for her once-in-a-month ladies' club meetings to learn recipes which she could make for us. I couldn't forgive her because I hated coming back from school to an empty house. And she did this just once a month. If I couldn't hide my resentment, how will she, in a few days, years from now...Am sure she'll hold my absence against me all her life.....

 

And how much more can I bribe her with those pink coloured candies?