What's in my backpack?
I went through my entire blog today. Each and every post. I cringed quite a few times, at the immaturity of my thoughts just a couple of years back. But this post is not about how wise or otherwise I have grown up to be.
As I browsed, I realised, with each post, there was so much I did not write. And that's where that familiar feeling of regret came all over me. Regret over the fact that I didn't start blogging anonymously. Regret that what I write is weighed and based on how a certain section of people I know, who read this blog, might react. I write, but never the entire story. And the worst of all, I don't write stuff that deeply saddens me. This is quite unlike me. I have always been the outspoken one, who didn't give a rat's ass about what the world thought of me. Or, wait, was I really that carefree? Maybe not. But my friends might want to think otherwise.
Regardless, I am now the typical Indian daughter, daughter-in-law, wife, sister, mother, friend, neighbour, relative- who talks, walks and writes with extreme caution. Suddenly it matters what 'they' would think or say to me. When the hell did that happen? Is that why I feel so weighed down? Or in Clooney's words, is that what's in my backpack?
So, I am beginning to ideate on ways of going back to being my good old (nasty?)self. Won't be an easy task, given that I have changed way too much (even for my liking).
But there's one thing I most certainly want to do - ask George Clooney, 'will you marry me'?
As I browsed, I realised, with each post, there was so much I did not write. And that's where that familiar feeling of regret came all over me. Regret over the fact that I didn't start blogging anonymously. Regret that what I write is weighed and based on how a certain section of people I know, who read this blog, might react. I write, but never the entire story. And the worst of all, I don't write stuff that deeply saddens me. This is quite unlike me. I have always been the outspoken one, who didn't give a rat's ass about what the world thought of me. Or, wait, was I really that carefree? Maybe not. But my friends might want to think otherwise.
Regardless, I am now the typical Indian daughter, daughter-in-law, wife, sister, mother, friend, neighbour, relative- who talks, walks and writes with extreme caution. Suddenly it matters what 'they' would think or say to me. When the hell did that happen? Is that why I feel so weighed down? Or in Clooney's words, is that what's in my backpack?
So, I am beginning to ideate on ways of going back to being my good old (nasty?)self. Won't be an easy task, given that I have changed way too much (even for my liking).
But there's one thing I most certainly want to do - ask George Clooney, 'will you marry me'?
Comments
Hey.. I always thought you were rather outspoken.. and hence just love your blog.. But if you think otherwise.. I'm waiting for some nasty posts... :-)
Clooney ? hmm.. good luck with that :-P
Now much of what I write feels safe!
nasty ones, eh? :))
IK: i think everything has its consequences, and being too outspoken always comes across as being insensitive. like i said, ive gone too far beyond in the conformity game. its going to be difficult to undo a lot of qualities i've taken to consciously...
discovering m: mone, good to see your comment here :). after eons! Yes, i think i should have just begun anonymously....like you. How have you discovered yourself, m?
@primitive lyric: true! but look at it the other way...the older we grow the more independent we become--don't we? then shouldn't we be less careful about what we do . If i was a teenager and wanted to smoke, i'd do it privately hoping so and so doesn't see me. but as an adult you have that much more independence to do your own thing. or may be it is an INDIAN thing?
:D so good to see you around. was missing your very very articulate comments :p
Recently there was chaos and resentment in our family when I wrote exactly how I felt about my in-laws after a certain set of difficult circumstances (you might rememember the post in qstn)in my blog. I wondered then what you are contemplating in this post : should I just have stuck to my pseudonym ?
Or is the lure of recognition too much for me to forsake it after all ?
I guess we have to draw the line somewhere. My question is : Just where ?
I have been reading your blog carefully for a long time now and broadly agree with your observations.
You have become needlessly cautious and suppressed the outspoken person that is the essential KG.
When I started "Against the Tide" I did it as much for my students as for myself: to help us all to resist the tide to conform, to fall in line; go along with the silent majority; to speak up, to dare to think our own thoughts.
Listen to that inner voice, KG. Your conscience is still alive and throbbing. Listen to it.
You have never been the one to hurt anyone consciously. Malice is not your style. So do not worry.
Be yourself and slowly you will feel the strength return; the courage to speak your mind, to speak the unspeakable, to blow the whistle on all that is hypocritical and false in our beautiful world.
Be brave and honest, KG. "To thine own self be true. And then thou canst not be false to any man (or woman)." (I hope I have not misquoted Shakespeare after 40 years.)
My love to your family, near and far.
Peace and love,
- Joe.
I have the same problem as u - I cannot write the stuff that irks me or hurts me or saddens me....for that, I would have to start another anonymous blog....not sure if I can handle it.